If I'm being honest...
Some days I feel like I've been tossed out into rough waters only to be spit back out onto shore like a giant fish flopping about. On these days, it's all I can do to find my footing again to get back up and make my kid some mac and cheese for lunch or put my heart and Soul into my business or run a million errands or keep up with the state of our world and then, Ah.... I remember. I remember that I have this body, this breath, this beautiful Soul to remind me that I am Divine all by myself and also with you.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and decided to go through the self check-out lane. Per usual, inside I can feel myself tensing and already practicing "go to your breath" as I know the automated lady from the checkout screen will bark at me incessantly to "place your items in the bag". BUT this time, I figured out how to mute the her voice and proceed more peacefully. I thought I had dodged the usual situation of leaving cursing under my breath when a message came up on the screen "Please Call Attendant: 32 items in basket". The attendant comes over and says in a gruff voice "it says you didn't check out everything in your basket". Her tone and demeanor put me on the defense immediately. I replied, "Well, would you like to check my basket"? "I'm just telling you what the computer says", she says rudely and walks away. Clearly I was the 'last straw' as the crime didn't fit the punishment.
My first reaction was to go to over to her and ask her why she was being so rude, but I do a drive-by with my cart first and change my approach. I go over to her and say, "I wasn't trying to be rude, I know you were just doing your job". She says, "People are just so mean right now and I don't understand it. See? I have tears in my eyes." We make eye contact and I see the ocean in her eyes spilling out and she's so exhausted. She looks like she has taken all she can take and I suddenly feel her pain. I want to hug her, but in the middle of a pandemic, I decide to reach for her arm. "You're doing a great job", I tell her. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." She reassures me that she understands with a nod. For a moment, we really saw each other in each other, like 2 mirrors reflecting back at each other. I walked away with an intense release of energy and tears streaming down my face. That, my friends, was Divine Order. To feel that Divine connection in a moment that we both needed more than we knew was priceless.
The truth is, I've been struggling to stay balanced and connected to 'myself' as the world, both in an immediate and global way, changes faster than I can process. (Safe to assume others have felt this same way.) However, I know that this is where the practice of coming 'home' to Divine guidance and wisdom comes in. This is where trusting in the concept that you can't do it all alone shows its beautiful face.
The Universe is organized to provide you with opportunities to wake up every single day. Joan Halifax has deemed these times "edge states", being called to our edges to learn how to have "strong backs, but soft fronts". This is about staying strong in your own two feet, but leaving the front tender and vulnerable to experience life, instead of close to it. I think this is the wisdom of the heart and mind coming together to foster wholeness and a rich aliveness within our lives. It's uncomfortable, it's messy and even heartbreaking, but this is where the light shines through the cracks. With that promise of hope, we can, simultaneously, find stillness and put one foot in front of the other to serve not only ourselves, but each other because at our core, we are all one and the same.
"Strong Backs. Soft Fronts."
xoxo,
Whitney